There are many ways parents can tell their children that a pet has died. Here are the expert tips to help your children to cope with pet loss.
How to teach a child to face their pet’s death with equanimity
Death and dying are the two most difficult facts in life to explain to children. Many dog owners often ask veterinarians how to teach their children to face their dogs’ departure calmly.
Usually, the death of a pet at home is the first time that children are exposed to this immutable natural law. How we handle this event will have a profound impact on children’s understanding of death and near death.
For example, every day when 11 year old Maria comes home from school, her cat Feifei always greets her at the doorstep. And one day, Feifei did not appear at the door as usual.
So Maria and her mother searched around and finally found Phil lying under the bed, with a tired expression, weak breathing, and difficulty walking. After examination, the veterinarian said that Feifei had heart disease and perhaps he could save it, but the cat was already 14 years old at the time and also suffered from other age-related diseases.
The veterinarian said that its quality of life will only deteriorate, and the most humane treatment is to euthanize it. After experiencing some inner struggle, Phil’s family agreed to the veterinarian’s proposal.
Later, they held a memorial service for the cat, and Maria also wrote a poem about it.
Understanding the Death of Pets: An Informal Guide to Children’s Psychology
In the above example, 11 year old Maria understood what euthanasia was and the outcome of pet death. Although this made it difficult for her to accept at the beginning and she remained immersed in sadness and loss, she also learned the reality that ‘all living beings will eventually die’ as a result. After a while, she gave more love to her other pets than harm.
But children younger than Maria often believe that the life cycle of pets and humans is the same, they don’t understand that pets’ biological clocks are actually different from humans, and they don’t understand that illness or injury may make euthanasia the best choice.
For children of any age, maintaining honesty is the best strategy when telling about the departure of pets. This means you need to accurately use the words’ death ‘and’ dying ‘and explain that death is a permanent thing. You can slowly convey this message to the children, but don’t confuse the true meaning of death.
Dursley is a consultant for a pet grief treatment service organization. She said that a child’s ability to understand the meaning of death depends on their emotional sensitivity and cognitive level. She provided an overview of the understanding of death and near death among children of each age group, as follows:
Under 2 years old: Based on the reactions of people around them, children in this age group can feel the death of their pets and respond accordingly. Regardless of the reason, children will bear the pressure felt by family members.
2-5 years old: Children in this age group will miss their pets as playmates after they die. They will see death as a temporary state, like leaves falling from trees in autumn and then growing back in spring. However, when they perceive the grief around them, their behavior may degrade (such as starting to suck their thumbs).
5-9 years old: Children begin to believe that death is permanent, but they may have a “magical mindset” – believing that death can be looked down upon or negotiated. Children in this age group may impose their thoughts and events on a relationship. For example, a child may dislike taking care of a pet and wish it would die soon, but when the pet actually dies, the child often feels guilty and believes that the pet’s death was caused by their own thoughts. For this reason, parents need to reassure their children that they did not cause the death of their pets.
10 years old and above: Children in this age group usually understand that ‘all living things will eventually die, and death is inevitable’. However, understanding and accepting are two different things. They may go through normal stages of sadness: denial, bargaining, anger, guilt, frustration, and acceptance.
Children may be afraid of being abandoned. If a pet dies, they may think that their parents will also die.
Children often develop a strong curiosity about death and physical events. They may ask you to explain some obscure topics. And for these questions, you should answer them in a direct, gentle, and cautious manner.
How to explain the death of pets to children
If parents mishandle this sensitive topic, it can leave lifelong trauma for their children. Dursley explained, “The worst thing to do is to lie to children and say that pets have left or use confusing euphemisms, such as’ they are asleep. ‘Because children will eventually know the truth, lying will only breed resentment and may undermine trust between parents and children.” Dursley also said, “In the future, when children know the truth, they will realize that they have been deceived, so they will want to know what lies their parents have told them, and they may no longer trust their parents as a result
Many parents use euphemisms to explain some obscure topics to their children, but this can cause anxiety or confusion because they will take what you say seriously. Dursley recalled, ‘Once a child was told that his Cocker Spaniel had’ left ‘.’. So he waited for his dog to come back every day, and after learning that the dog had been buried, he once tried to dig it up. If you say ‘God took it away because it’s special,’ then the child will resent God and be constantly afraid of who will be taken away next
Here are several ways to explain pet death to children:
1. Firstly, it is to be honest and transparent.
This includes informing children in detail about the health issues of pets and the concept of euthanasia. Parents need to inform their children that if their pets have a terminal illness, they will have to undergo euthanasia. It’s best to avoid those confusing euphemisms. Directly use the words’ death ‘and’ near death ‘to convey a fact to children. Some children are very curious about the process of euthanasia and hope that their pets can be present to watch when they are euthanized. However, some veterinarians will strongly oppose this issue, while others will allow it, depending on the child’s age and maturity.
2. Ensure that children understand the meaning of ‘death’.
You can explain the concept of death based on your religious beliefs and the level of understanding your child has. The important thing is to let the child know that the pet has died and will not come back.
3. Farewell.
You can provide children with an atmosphere where they can express their emotions. You can commemorate your pet by holding a funeral and making a formal farewell. There are various types of funerals, some people will plant trees in a special place in their yard, while others will choose to bury their pets in the cemetery so that their families can visit them frequently. In addition, you can also encourage your children to express their longing by writing diaries, poems, or frequently recalling the happy times they spent with their pets.
4. Express your own feelings first.
Then tell the children that they are not grieving alone, you are also grieving with them.
5. Talk to the teacher.
Tell your child’s teacher about the recent experiences at home, so they will understand why your child has been showing signs of being “restless” or “worried” lately.
6. Do not blame the veterinarian.
Some parents, especially those who are afraid to explain euthanasia to their children, will leave everything to veterinarians to handle. This is not only unfair to veterinarians, but may also harm children. As a result, children are likely to distrust veterinarians when they grow up, and thus distrust doctors and all other medical professionals.
Your veterinarian can help parents explain why euthanasia is the most humane choice and answer any questions their children may have, but they should not be held responsible for telling their children that their pets have died. The main responsibility still lies with the parents.
In addition, some parents, in order to alleviate their children’s pain, may buy another pet. Dursley explained, “This is actually a very wrong approach because it leaves children with the impression that ‘pets can be replaced,’ and as a result, they may no longer care for their pets.
Children have strong learning abilities and can always quickly learn to accept the reality of ‘pet death’. However, if your child continues to have nightmares or is unable to recover from sadness, it may be necessary to take them to a psychologist for a talk.
At Labitto, we are dedicated to honoring the cherished memories of beloved pets through high-quality, personalized memorial products. We strive to provide comfort and lasting tributes that celebrate the unique bond between pets and their owners. Our commitment to excellence ensures that each item is crafted with care, offering solace during times of loss and preserving precious moments forever.
Related:
Pros and Cons of Adopting a Pet
How to Train a Cat to Use a Litter Box
Why Is My Cat Pooping Outside the Litter Box?
